yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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