New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
