What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I look excited, but its just a facade.
PANTIES FOUND
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
