Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
