So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
