Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
high people should be assigned attendants
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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