I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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