Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My hand turned me down
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
