go do what you do best...puke behind churches
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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