Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
