sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
