Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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