So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Sext me about skeletons
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
