There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
