So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
