I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
