im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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