Don't make out with my wife yet
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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