shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
