Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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