i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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