i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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