I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
