He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
