"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
