I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
