And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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