I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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