Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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