ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
