then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
