come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
