These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
