Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
