Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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