i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
