I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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