why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
