My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
