Sry I called you an 8
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
