What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
