Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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