and you said cock pushups were impossible
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
