I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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