So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
