And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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