That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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