woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
