So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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