if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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