$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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