he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
