she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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