if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
