You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
