you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
