I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he wants to bone in the snuggie
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Crop dusting thru forever 21
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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