its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
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The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
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"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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